Baby Smooth Skin

Dear Proctor & Gamble,

I recently purchased a 12-bar package of your new Ivory For Baby Smooth Skin. My decision wasn't based on my skin not being baby smooth enough, but rather that this soap seemed to be the cheapest available.

I don't have any brand loyalty when it comes to soap. I don't get all excited about aloe and its ability to let me "rediscover the mildness." I just want to wash the stink off my body as quickly and inexpensively as possible.

Sure, if a "gentle combination of mild soap and pure aloe" will leave my skin baby smooth, that's a bonus, but only if the soap effectively performs the core function that inspired its purchase. Sadly, I can't say that it has in this case.

So far I've used half of the package, and all six bars have prematurely broken into tiny pieces while in use. I know that all bars of soap eventually crack into pieces, but Ivory For Baby Smooth Skin does it way too soon.

See, most bars of soap, when they become thin and wafer-like, break into two pieces. Those two pieces can then be used until they become too small to hold on to, and ultimately slide down the drain.

Ivory For Baby Smooth Skin, however, breaks in half while it's still relatively thick. Then the half pieces each break into four chucks that must be carefully cupped into my hand. When they slip out, they're at first too big to go down the drain, so I can scoop them up and reuse them.

Needless to say, however, I don't like picking up the little soaplings. Not when I can buy other brands that will stay together so much better. Between the inconvenience of scooping up the pieces, and the extra amount of soap going straight down the drain without cleaning me, I'm just not getting a bargain.

I'm also troubled by the claim that Ivory For Baby Smooth Skin will make my skin "naturally clean." Looking over the list of chemicals in the ingredients, I find that hard to believe. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the chemicals, I just don't like the claim. If I wanted to be naturally clean, I'd go dip my crotch in the crick.

Sincerely yours,
Paul Lundgren

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.