The United Ten Commandments of America

This week's Next Level column was handed down to its author by the Lord our God, and was later approved by Congress despite fiery opposition from fanatical Democrats.

1) Worship no god but Me. Oh, and the almighty dollar.

2) Do not worship false idols. If you see someone worshipping something other than Me, forget the rest of my commandments and kill him immediately.

3) Do not use My name for evil purposes. I'm always willing to endorse any war for your country, so go ahead and tie My name into that.

4) Observe the Sabbath and keep it holy. If you are a real go-getter, however, you should work seven days a week. Those minion employees of yours should also understand that this commandment does not apply to them if they want to get ahead in the world. Sure, I know My original set of commandments made it clear that even your slaves should not work on Sundays, but you shouldn't take the Bible literally, and you are free to determine which commandments you obey and which ones you think are just some archaic foolishness.

5) Respect your father and mother. Make all the same mistakes they made.

6) Do not commit murder, unless you have a really good reason. I can't possibly outline all the justifiable causes for icing someone, so let's just say that the passwords are, "Hey, an eye for an eye."

7) Do not commit adultery. If you do commit adultery, well, you're still better than those monogamous faggots.

8) Do not steal, unless you're already rich and have developed a clever scheme to fraud less fortunate people. There is a difference between being a common crook and being a savvy businessman.

9) Do not accuse anyone falsely. There are obvious exceptions to this commandment, of course. If someone is poor or funny looking, for example, they are already guilty. Also, if you believe you can achieve a great political gain by distorting facts and calling people names, well, that's just good politics.

10) Do not desire another man's stuff. That is a waste of time. You should already be planning a way to obtain better stuff than he has. The guy with the biggest house, hottest wife and most toys wins, as long as he goes to church occasionally.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.