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If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your contacts. This is very scary to think of what lies ahead of us here in our own United States ... better heed this and pray about it and share it. This was checked out on Snopes.com. It is factual. Check for yourself.

Who is Mike Huckabee?

Probable Republican presidential candidate Michael Dale Huckabee was born in Hope, Arkansas, to Dorsey Wiles Huckabee, a white BAPTIST, and Mae Elder, who openly attended a NON-TRADITIONAL Christian church.

Huckabee's parents held normal middle-class jobs in Hope in an effort to hide their RADICAL beliefs. Huckabee attended a PUBLIC high school that permitted students of any religious background to attend, including MUSLIMS.

Huckabee takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim, but he has been quoted to have said, "Politics are totally directed by worldview. That's why when people say, 'We ought to separate politics from religion,' I say to separate the two is absolutely impossible. We must all follow the perfect word of Allah."

Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking Major public office in the United States, Michael Dale Huckabee served as a pastor at several Southern Baptist Churches in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background.

Michael Dale Huckabee will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegiance, nor will he show any reverence for apple pie. Let us all remain alert concerning his presidential candidacy. The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the United States from the inside out, eliminating American's ability to reproduce by promoting the consumption of soda pops that contain Yellow Dye No. 5, a known contraceptive.

ALSO, keep in mind that when Huckabee was sworn into office -- he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead put his hand on a 12-pack of Mountain Dew.

Please forward this to everyone in your address book. Would you want this man leading our country?...... NOT ME!!!

If you forward this to all of you contacts, Bill Gates will send you his entire wallet. Also, Applebee's will send you a $50 gift certificate. Just send this e-mail and you will receive an e-mail back with a confirmation number to claim your gift certificate.

This is absolutely true!!! I thought this was a hoax until I tried it myself.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He has decided to not print his e-mail address with this week's article.


More Advice

Career Advice

There are a lot opportunities in the field of welding, but you should consider becoming a kissing bandit. You'll find a never-ending supply of people who would benefit from being grabbed at the biceps, kissed softly, then run away from.

Relationship Advice

You can always decorate your car, paint "Just Married" on the back, and drive around by yourself.

Voting Advice

According to a talkative customer at Spirit Valley Paperback Exchange: "God will always vote for you. The devil will always vote against you. That makes you the deciding vote."

If I were you, I'd demand a recount.

Motherly Advice

Concerned about over-population and the vast amount of land occupied by cemeteries, my mother suggests that a giant tower should be built to house the caskets of the future.

"It could be called the Leaning Tower of People," she said. "It would be a tourist attraction."

Then she says the bodies of murders and rapists should be piled up in something called the "Awful Tower."

I told her she has good ideas, and that I had a one for her: "Lay off the booze."

Football Advice

Football is a fun game, but llabtoof is better. It's essentially the same as football, except the offense tries to avoid scoring while the defense tries to force the offense to score.

Body Art Advice

If a pierced nipple is so cool, imagine how awesome you'd be if you had a door knocker screwed into your chest.

Major Motion Picture Advice

Sooner of later, someone is going to make Smurfs: The Movie. When that happens, it will be essential that some new Smurfs are added to the cast. I recommend the following:

Itchy Smurf, Bloody Smurf, Stinky Smurf, Horny Smurf, Paraplegic Smurf, Tickly Smurf, Suicidal Smurf, Klepto Smurf, Battered Smurf, Cannibal Smurf and Well-endowed Smurf.

Advice for Women

If you're trying to convince a man to drink a lot of whisky, try sitting on his lap.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Hating Kmart

I've heard that Wal-Mart is pure evil. I've heard that Target donates vast sums of money to Republican politicians. I don't pay much attention to those stories, because I shop primarily at Kmart.

The reason I shop at Kmart is because the West Duluth store is about a mile from my house. Target and Wal-Mart are over seven miles away. I've been to Target many times and Wal-Mart maybe twice. Both of them are much better than Kmart.

I have not traveled the world evaluating department stores, and I don't want to exaggerate, but I can't help from stating this as plainly as I can: The West Duluth Kmart is the worst department store in the entire world, ever.

Whatever you need, West Duluth Kmart always seems to be out of it. Most of the prices are always high. Some products have no price sticker at all, leaving you to turn the item over repeatedly and study the shelf edge in frustration.

Don't try to ask a salesperson/clerk for help, because finding an employee roaming the aisles of Kmart will be about as easy as finding a Liberace album in prison.

Get this: If you do find someone, and receive the help you need, the employee will actually hand you a ticket that says "Glad I could help!"

That's right, helping a customer is so out of the ordinary at Kmart, they made special tickets for customers to bring to the cashier so the employee can be commended. Apparently, the Kmart way to solve a customer's problem is to offer him a task.

If you manage to find something you need to buy, have fun waiting in the one or two checkout lines that are between six and infinity customers deep, and move as fast as turtles having tantric sex.

If another clerk comes to the front, you might think she'll open a new checkout aisle. Well, occasionally she will. So be ready to jump into the new line. Other times, however, she's just up there to empty a register out for the night. So don't leave the spot in your established line until you know for sure.

If you ever manage to purchase what you need, you'll be treated to a two-foot long receipt for your one item. About one-third of the receipt is information on store specials, as if you can't wait to come back. Another third asks you to complete a customer service survey. Consider mine completed.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He recommends driving the extra six miles to Target. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Garden of Eden

Back when God created the heavens and the earth, he planted a garden in a place called Eden. Today, no one is really sure where Eden was, despite the strangeness and historical significance of events which took place there.

It was in this garden where the first man lived. His name was Adam. God made a variety of beautiful trees in the garden, which produced food for Adam. There were also two special trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

The Lord God put Adam in the garden to dress it and keep it. He told him to eat freely from all the trees but one. Adam could snack on the tree of life all he wanted, but the knowledge tree was off limits.

"Thou shalt not eat of it," God said. "In the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." God apparently wanted to test his latest inventions: free will and poison. He must have also simply enjoyed taunting Adam.

Nonetheless, God soon decided it was time to create a woman, since watching Adam gorge on the tree of life all day by himself must have been about as interesting as the infinite time God spent in whatever mysterious nothingland he hung out in before deciding to create life.

Rather than just make a woman appear up from the dust, God decided it was time for some real performance art. Not wanting to show off, however, he first made sure he had no audience by causing a deep sleep to fall on Adam. Maybe he slipped a little flunitrazepam into the tree of life, but it was probably just simple Godly magic that got the job done.

Reaching through Adam's flesh, God pulled out a rib and made a woman out of it. This must have been pretty awesome, leaving Adam quite upset about having slept through it. Still, he had a woman now, so things were looking up.

"This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh," Adam said. "She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man." A sense of superiority was certainly appropriate for Adam to have. Like father, like son, as the saying goes.

The woman's name was Eve. Adam cleaved unto her, and they were one flesh. They were both naked, and were not ashamed. Those were the good old days, before there were any better looking people around.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Story of Creation, pt. 2

In four days, God created the earth and separated the water from dry land. He created heaven, the sun, the moon and the stars. He had looked on all of it and saw that it was good. Things were shaping up nicely heading into the weekend.

On Friday, God said, "Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven." This command brought forth many creatures that swim and fly. Hunting and fishing season wouldn't start until Saturday, though.

God blessed the fish and fowl, telling them to, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas." He looked at the lower part of the food chain, and saw that it was good. With the right spices, it would later prove delicious.

On Saturday, God said, "Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind -- cattle and creeping thing, and beast of the earth." And so it was that creeping beasts were born of the earth.

"Let us make man in our image, after our likeness," God said next. He obviously didn't need help from his creatures to spontaneously generate new life forms, so it can be concluded that God began talking to himself in the plural or "editorial we" at this time.

And so God created mankind in his own image. It wasn't a physical image, of course, because God has no body. He created the first man with an immortal soul resembling his, and he granted mankind dominion over the other creatures. Those creatures, by the way, had no souls but were blessed by God anyway.

God said, "I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for food."

God looked upon everything he had made and saw that it was good, which couldn't have been much of a surprise. Beholding a job well done, he decided to take Sunday off and contemplate what he had done. He blessed this day off and sanctified it, so that humankind should also rest on Sunday and honor his work.

That's why, to this very day, people don't work on Sundays unless they are part of the lower class and are unable to find employment that doesn't require them to serve those who have the day off.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Story of Creation, pt. 1

In the beginning, God created the universe. Before that, there was nothing -- not even an infinite galaxy of darkness, which would be something. God must have been around before the beginning, but it's not something he likes to talk about.

At first, the earth was without form. Everything was dark and void. This was apparently depressing to God, so he said, presumably to himself, "Let there be light!" And a light appeared. It wasn't the sun, though. God waited a few days to create the sun. At this moment he needed a special light for creating other things before the sun.

When God saw this light, he thought it was good. It wasn't too dim or too bright. No adjustment was necessary. God decided to separate the light from the darkness, though, calling them "day" and "night." Apparently they were all tangled up at first, causing a sort of swirl effect.

On Tuesday, God decided to divide the waters, so he said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters." God called the firmament "heaven." Many years later, people on earth would start calling it "outer space."

On Wednesday, God gathered the waters on earth together in pools, so dry land could appear. He said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth." He had a way with words.

By Thursday, God was unsatisfied with the light he previously let be. So he said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth."

This was strange, because God was already using the other light to count days and nights. Nonetheless, a spinning ball of very hot gas fueled by nuclear fusion reactions appeared about 93 million miles away. God called it the "sun," and ordered it to rule the day.

To rule the night, he created a lesser light, called the moon, along with many, many stars. God set these lights in the firmament of the heaven, then took a look around and saw that it was good. All that was needed was some life to appreciate the new scenery.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Twins Cafe

Cory: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Ryan and I developed an idea for a Minnesota Twins themed restaurant where all of the dishes are named after guys from the 1987 World Series team?

Paul: No, I don't think you told me about that. What are some of the dishes?

: One of the specialties is the Gary Spa-Gaetti with Meatballs.

Paul: That is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard in my life.

: I know, isn't it awesome? Hey Ryan, come here and tell Paul about the Twins Cafe.

Ryan: All of the alcoholic drinks would be served at the Steve LomBARdozzi.

Cory: Yeah, you could get a Randy Busch beer or a Randy Busch Light.

Ryan: We'd also serve a full line of Kent HrBECK's beer. If you'd like to order five bottles at once, just ask for the Kirby Buckett of beer. We'll also have a Kirby Buckett of chicken.

Paul: Will you have fish?

Ryan: Of course. Just order the Roy Smalleye.

Cory: My favorite sandwich is the BLTK -- bacon, lettuce, Tom Kelly.

Paul: How about a bowl of Rod Carutabagas?

Cory: Well, we wanted to stick with the '87 team.

Paul: Are you kidding? You'll miss out on all those great players like Harmon Killebrew, Jim Kaat, Tony Oliva, Zoilo Versalles ... you could have Zoilets in the rest rooms.

Cory: I suppose ... Tony Oliva Loaf sounds good.

Ryan: I'd like the Spicy Chili Davis.

Paul: Not to mention the Cesar Tovar Salad. And the Ron Gardenhire Salad. Either would be a nice side dish for a Carl Pohlad Sausage.

Cory: I'm kind of hungry for a Pepperjack Morris Cheeseburger.

Ryan: I could go for some Kevin Tapani Pasta.

Paul: You know what would be good with pasta? A nice glass of Butch WINEgar.

Cory: The only problem is that we don't have much of a breakfast menu.

Paul: Well, a nice breakfast side would be Mickey Hatcherbrowns.

Cory: That's kind of pushing it.

Ryan: Our Asian menu has Rob Wilfong-wong Chicken. There's no such thing as pushing it.

Cory: Then I guess we might as well have a Johan Santana Split for dessert.

: No ice cream for me. I'll have Rich Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He thanks Cory Ahlm and Ryan Van Slooten for inspiring this week's idiocy and hopes the general public will someday forgive him. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.


Letter to Sissies

Dear people who usually play pick-up hockey on Sunday mornings,

I can't believe I'm the only one who showed up this week. Are you that afraid of a little bit of cold weather? Put on some damn long underwear and quit your bitching. Minus 17 degrees Fahrenheit is not that cold.

In the past, plenty of people showed up on colder days than this. I've noticed there have been fewer and fewer players each year willing to brave the harshest weather, but there has always been enough to have a game, until today.

I did not get out of bed this morning and climb into a union suit to go skate around in circles by myself for 45 minutes. I enjoy hockey, but taking slap-shots at an open net is not my idea of a good time.

I know it's Super Bowl Sunday this week, and you all plan to spend the day sitting on your asses eating fatty foods and watching other people play sports for you, but the football game doesn't start until 5:30 p.m.

Right now, my girlfriend is making chocolate balls out of Oreo cookies and cream cheese. I plan on eating at least a dozen of them during the Super Bowl, along with six bags of potato chips. I need some exercise today, and you ruined it for me.

I know it can be hard to get up early on Sunday morning, particularly if you've been enjoying convivial beverages the night before. Maybe the cold weather convinced you there's nothing better to do this weekend than get drunk, but I say that's no excuse.

A real Duluthian can drink the sun out of the sky and still get up to play hockey the next day. I'm embarrassed to write this letter for fear it will demoralize the next generation to know what a bunch of languorous cowards came before them.

It was only one month ago that you were all complaining about global warming and that there was no ice available for hockey. Now it's cold, and you're crying about that, too. Well, I'm sorry the planet doesn't have a thermostat you can adjust to your ideal temperature each day.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He loves how, on particularly cold mornings, the puck hitting the boards sounds like a gunshot. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.