2006 Resolutions

A lot of people make resolutions for themselves at the start of a new year. I'm not one of those people. Acknowledging any personal ineptitude would not be in accord with the standards of sardonic newspaper column writing.

Instead, I'm listing a few things that really annoyed me in 2005, with the hope that the people responsible will change their ways in 2006. My goal is to make the world a better place -- not just for me, but for people who are like me.

This first resolution is for the ladies, concerning the company Princess House and its "elegant, exclusive products." Having a Princess House party and referring to yourself as a "lifestyle consultant" because you sell crappy teakettles will not be tolerated in 2006.

Anyone with a car alarm should resolve to have it removed and destroyed as soon as possible. The next one that goes off for no reason will be just cause for anyone to vandalize the offending car with any available weapon until the honking is silenced.

"What about alarms that go off for legitimate purposes?" you might be asking, if you are someone who has too much money and keeps a lot of expensive items in your automobile. "Too effing bad," the rest of us answer.

Keeping with the subject of automobiles: Manufacturers of car stereos should resolve to never again make a model without a CD player, or at least a cassette player. No human being should be at the mercy of radio stations, ever. Driving requires music, not the repeated playing of the same highlight from a morning show.

It would also be nice if installing a new car stereo was slightly less complicated than installing a kidney. Could we at least resolve to create a simple, uniform method for setting the car stereo's clock? The average person should not have to consult an owner's manual whenever daylight savings time begins or ends.

And this last resolution is for Target stores: No, I would not like to save 15 percent on my purchase by signing up for a Target card. Please resolve to stop asking me. No means no, damn it. No means no.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. You can call him Pauly, if you feel Don Ness has left a hole in your life. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.