I Have a Girlfriend Now

Listen, I know it's wet T-shirt night, but I'm going to have to say no thanks. I have a girlfriend now, and we've planned a quiet evening together. You should get a girlfriend, too. Maybe we could all hang out some time.

By the way, if you could stop telling people about how you could always hear me masturbating in the top bunk when we lived in the dorms together, I'd really appreciate it. The same goes for those anecdotes you love to share about the times I've been so drunk that I lost control of my bowels.

Yes, I know, I've had girlfriends before, but this one is special. That girl last fall was just a fling. By the way, if you see her, please ask about my grandmother's ring. I'd like that back.

We should also have a talk about your blog. There are a few things in the archives that I think should be deleted. First and foremost would be the infamous "Spaghetti & Meatballs" picture in which I appear naked with a dozen Italian prostitutes. It's not that I didn't think that was a good time, it's just that we need to live in the present, man. I mean, that was, like, so nine months ago.

I also think the "Tell Your Wildest Sex Story" Internet forum you host just isn't as funny as it used to be. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying you should take the whole thing down, I just don't think anybody's interested in the posts that I made. My stuff was kind of boring. Maybe you should cut those parts out.

Oh, and about last Monday, that was just out of my hands. It's a real shame that Valentine's Day happened to fall on a Monday and interrupt our ritual of watching WWE wrestling. I know I told you that I would make it up to you by buying the beer for this week, but it turns out that my girlfriend and I are really into "Everybody Loves Raymond" now, and we've decided to make it a new Monday night ritual. Sorry.

Don't look so down, dude. I mean, think about it. I might pop the question soon, and you know what that means: Stag-effin'-partaaay!

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. This is his 200th column. Send him a JPEG of yourself holding out a congratulatory bouquet of flowers. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.