I love Satan. It's about time I came forward and stated it plainly. I think it will come as no surprise to fans of my writing that I engage in more devil worship than J. K. Rowling, Ozzy Osbourne and Marilyn Manson all twisted together in a group-sex pretzel. Their mixture of semen and urine is my holy water.
I bite the heads off teenage acolyte boys. Spells, white and black magic, omens, blood sacrifices, time travel, candle ceremonies, incantations, conjurations and invocations are part of my daily life.
I believe in the use of the mystifying oracle, the Ouija Board. It is not a toy, but a great tool for communicating with disembodied species. My mastery of the art of necromancy will bring me greater power than Mephistopheles himself.
I believe we all have needs in life, and magic can fulfill those needs. Whether it be power, money, fame, revenge, love or hate -- I can bend the universe to achieve any means through spells and magic.
I believe genetic engineering and nanotechnology will end all suffering. My army of satanic clones will overthrow the Christian empire of fear. I am the Devil's secretary of war. I will join Hell's Army in the march to the gates of Heaven, and we will burn those gates to the ground. The Children of Set are destined to rule a thousand worlds.
I am the chosen one. I am the Black Pope of the Church of Lucifer, and my mission is to convert children to the side of evil. I will corrupt the American continent by manipulating the First Amendment and using the liberal media as my enabling force.
I want to bring eternal fire to the land and turn our oceans to blood. The only survivors of my nuclear winter will be deranged, satanic drug addicts feasting on LSD and flying rodents. The sun will set forever and I will illuminate my wicked path with the purple light bulbs I screw into my butt.
Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. Read this article in reverse to hear its hidden message of wholesome Christian praise of our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ. And feel free to send your comments to paul[at]geekprom[dot]com with no fear of becoming a victim of cyber voodoo.