7.12.2006

Dog Etiquette

You might think you have control of your dog, but you don't. You might think everyone else loves your dog, but they don't. You might think everyone wants to be licked and loved by your panting, begging, shedding, whining, crapping-all-over-the-neighborhood mutt, but they don't.

For the love of G-O-D, please keep your D-O-G to yourself. Don't just let it take off after people and wait to see if they enjoy a good crotch sniffing or not. Owning a pet means being responsible for it. That means you should restrain your dog instead of just apologizing after every mauling and pretending like it's never happened before.

Obviously you want your dog to jump all over people to find out if they are "dog people," like you. If you find another dog person, the two of you can blabber about how awesome dogs are for an entire afternoon. Apparently it's no big loss to you if a crotch sniffing happens to a non-dog person because you didn't sniff the crotch, the dog did.

If a human were to go around sniffing crotches, there would be violent consequences. It's socially unacceptable, however, to dropkick a dog for being playful. So, people have to act like they're not bothered at all, while waiting for you to finally perform the major favor of calling off Sheba.

Another important duty you have been neglecting as a dog owner is muzzling that barking little bitch. If your dog spends a large part of the day sitting by the screen door waiting for someone to walk by, or worse yet, runs at the end of a chain or along the inside of a fence, following passersby from one end of the yard to another just barking, barking, barking -- you have a nuisance animal. You need to either 1) move to the country, 2) give the dog away to someone who lives in the country, or 3) never leave your dog alone and unattended for one second. Don't just come out yelling at the dog, acting like this hasn't happened nine times in the past hour. We all know better.

Most importantly, if you have a little rat dog that does nothing but yap yap yap, though it has no ability to be legitimately ferocious, you have an animal that needs to be set free in the woods so it can finally go extinct.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.

5.28.2006

Negative Voting

It's been six years since I first announced my idea to change the American electoral process. Since then, my negative voting movement has gained absolutely no momentum, while election results have only affirmed my position.

In the summer of 2000, anyone could see the country was headed down the crapper. George W. Bush and Albert A. Gore -- two of the country's most hated men -- were the favorites to become president. No one else stood a chance.

I didn't know that election would end up as controversial as it did, but obviously the result wasn't going to be popular. Obviously our voting process was backward. Obviously it was time for negative voting.

When I launched the negative voting movement in June of 2000, I declared it was too late to save that fall's election, but there was plenty of time to plan for 2004. Now, the 2008 campaign is fast approaching, and my warnings continue to be ignored.

The negative voting process is a simple reversal of the traditional way of voting. Instead of selecting the least objectionable representative of a major party, Americans would instead vote for the person on the ballot they dislike the most. The candidate with the fewest votes would win.

Under such a system, George Bush, Al Gore, John Kerry and anyone like them would have no chance of winning an election. They would be simply too unpopular for the office. Americans couldn't resist voting for them.

Celebrities like Arnold Schwarzenegger would be impossible to elect because of their name recognition. Only common people would stand a chance of not getting enough votes to win.

Campaign finance reform would no longer be an issue because candidates would have no need for money. Keeping a low profile would be the only way to avoid getting votes. Also, term limits wouldn't be necessary because getting re-elected to any office would be nearly impossible.

More Americans would vote because there would be no sense of responsibility for electing anyone. No matter what the results would be, everyone could say they voted against someone.

Clearly, negative voting is America's opportunity to turn its political frown upside down. And all it requires is reversing the system completely.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His favorite kind of politics is the politics of dancing and the politics of ooo feeling good. His e-mail address is paul[at]geekprom.com.

4.01.2006

Satan is Lord

I love Satan. It's about time I came forward and stated it plainly. I think it will come as no surprise to fans of my writing that I engage in more devil worship than J. K. Rowling, Ozzy Osbourne and Marilyn Manson all twisted together in a group-sex pretzel. Their mixture of semen and urine is my holy water.

I bite the heads off teenage acolyte boys. Spells, white and black magic, omens, blood sacrifices, time travel, candle ceremonies, incantations, conjurations and invocations are part of my daily life.

I believe in the use of the mystifying oracle, the Ouija Board. It is not a toy, but a great tool for communicating with disembodied species. My mastery of the art of necromancy will bring me greater power than Mephistopheles himself.

I believe we all have needs in life, and magic can fulfill those needs. Whether it be power, money, fame, revenge, love or hate -- I can bend the universe to achieve any means through spells and magic.

I believe genetic engineering and nanotechnology will end all suffering. My army of satanic clones will overthrow the Christian empire of fear. I am the Devil's secretary of war. I will join Hell's Army in the march to the gates of Heaven, and we will burn those gates to the ground. The Children of Set are destined to rule a thousand worlds.

I am the chosen one. I am the Black Pope of the Church of Lucifer, and my mission is to convert children to the side of evil. I will corrupt the American continent by manipulating the First Amendment and using the liberal media as my enabling force.

I want to bring eternal fire to the land and turn our oceans to blood. The only survivors of my nuclear winter will be deranged, satanic drug addicts feasting on LSD and flying rodents. The sun will set forever and I will illuminate my wicked path with the purple light bulbs I screw into my butt.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. Read this article in reverse to hear its hidden message of wholesome Christian praise of our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ. And feel free to send your comments to paul[at]geekprom[dot]com with no fear of becoming a victim of cyber voodoo.

3.17.2006

Celestial Chariot

I am your celestial chariot. Don't second-guess me when I tell you to eat my drugged pudding. It was made with fresh blueberries and is absolutely delicious. I know you will enjoy it.

You probably think I can't provide you with any of this mouthwatering pudding because I don't know who you are. I don't know when and where you might read this, or when and where I might be able to make a delivery to you.

You don't really know me either, but you've read my columns and believe that I am your celestial chariot. You understand that a lot of time may have passed since I made this succulent pudding. These words are more easily preserved than pudding.

It was precisely 8:15 p.m. on Sunday, July 22, 2001, when I finished my batch of tasty blueberry pudding. I wrote most of these words shortly afterward. That pudding is long gone, but my wish for you to have some lives on. Isn't time travel interesting?

I made this delectable blueberry pudding because I am your celestial chariot. Though you can't actually eat the pudding, I can still share it with you. I can share the idea of pudding. Heavenly blueberry pudding.

You've probably been busy lately. You don't always hear the blueberries when they call out to you. I don't always hear the blueberries either. But I heard them on Sunday, July 22, 2001, and I still want you to hear them.

Sometimes, when I walk through the woods, I think about my problems, and I can't hear the blueberries. If I am carrying the weight of some mistake or another, some sadness, some loss, some evil, I can't hear the blueberries when they call out to me. I walk right past them.

If I go for a long enough walk, however, all my sins are eventually forgiven. Then, I can hear the blueberries. They say, "I'm right here, and I won't stay this ripe and flavorful for long." I find it hard to believe I didn't see them in the first place. They were right there!

The blueberries are trying to be your celestial chariot, but you are too overwhelmed by your daily struggles to listen for them. That's why I'm here. I am your celestial chariot and I always have sumptuous drugged pudding to share with you.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul[at]geekprom[dot]com.

1.18.2006

Eat Yourself Help

The biggest mistake you can make after deciding to eat yourself is to start with the hands. The hands are the easiest part of the body to eat, so they seem like a good place to begin. But that is exactly why you should save them as long as possible. Remember, once your hands are gone, those hard to bite areas become an even bigger strain.

I suggest you start with your thigh, just above the knee. Chew through both legs, severing them. This allows you to eat your calves and feet like two big sloppy corncobs. (Should you begin choking on an Achilles tendon, remember that a self-applied Heimlich maneuver can be just as easily performed when you are rolling around on the floor with severed legs as when you are standing on your feet.)

You might find the area from your thighs up hard to reach with your mouth so it's important that you still have your hands and arms. Don't eat them yet! After you have chewed open your legs, you will easily be able to use your hands to scoop out heaping portions of the rest of your body.

Many people ask me, "Paul, how do I eat my own mouth?" The answer is simple. Just swallow. It's that easy.

Others ask, "What should I serve with myself?" What these people don't realize is that the human body is a complete five-course meal. Appetizer: toes. Salad: tossed hamstrings. Soup: cream of kneecap. Main course: rump roast ala moi. Dessert: brains. (I like my brains topped with maple nut ice cream.)

While you are eating yourself, you might decide you want to wash yourself down with something. Allow me to suggest black cherry spritzer.

Once you have finished, you will no doubt desire to eat someone else. I recommend short women with round features. They are the juiciest.

Infants are to be avoided. They are too small. Throw them back.

The elderly are generally pretty dry, but if you saute them in butter and garlic ... well, even a roller skate is tasty if it's been sauteed in butter and garlic.

And do not forget to save your cartilage. In my next column: pepperoni recipes.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He is what he eats, so he eats what he is. His e-mail address is paul[at]geekprom[dot]com.